今天是我進入40一支花的生日。
我快樂嗎?
今天已經40歲的我和29歲結婚那年所想像10年後的自己，差了十萬八千里。
不，我並不快樂。
如我預期，今天的生日和去年一樣，因為吵架那人對我連一句生日快樂都没說。
今天的生日我是這麼過的。
早上因為孩子我們又吵了一架，他叫我shut up!我連思考都没有就立馬回他一句平常我不會講的話，Shut you fxxking mouth up!
同時告訴他，how do you feel? I pay you back even more.
中午去參加年度的唐氏協會辦的buddy walk，下午累累的回家,睡了一會，繼續整理我那亂到極致急需歸位的家當。
傍晚他們去婆家享用壽星缺席的晚餐，我自己則開著車出門晃晃，去韓國餐廳買外賣，去Lows 買工具鎖櫃子，再繞到hobby lobby去看看有没有我要的可調高度的椅子。
生日快樂?
好諷刺，我一點都不快樂!
剛剛，他經過我身邊，我想都没想, 輕輕的說一聲，我們離婚吧!
在自己生日的今天，我把離婚二字說出口。
曾經告訴自己， 這句話不能輕易的說出口， 但結婚10年，我們吵了至少有8年了吧。
這二年來吵的越來越頻繁，越來越嚴重。 我真的再也承受不了。
曾經的我信誓旦旦的一要給孩子一個完整的家，但當真的承受不住時，原來離婚這二個字，說出口很容易嘛。
我說我要孩子們跟著我，4個我都要。他說辦不到，他也要孩子。
我說那我們就這樣拖下去, 拖到孩子們長大嗎?
你以為我真的願意孩子們這樣媽媽這裡一個禮拜，爸爸那裡一個禮拜嗎?
孩子們的無所適從，我可是深刻的體驗過。一個家如果父母每天吵吵鬧鬧的，我倒寧願父母是分開的，就像我小時候希望爸媽早點離是一樣的。
我一點都不快樂，我該怎麼辦?
Hi nursing school really keep me busy... I have talk to you for a while. I visit your blog again when I am searching for ASD, VSD for my peds final. I felt bad for both of you, you both are suffering. Give him a bit time. he didn't make the choice to keep this baby. You are the one to make this call. I understand it's your belief to keep this baby, but if this is what he wanted? please fight for it. but not fight with "him". I've seen a lots of stories like this. the question is who is going to take care of this baby if someday you both are gone? your other 3 kids (it's terrible to put up too much pressure to your other 3 kids) or nursing home? Take care. my friend. I know you are fighting. honestly this is your choice, your life, not his choice, his life. don't be too harsh to him. or to yourself. I believe in Buddha. Be willing to do, be happy to bear. do you consider to take LPN program... if your mother in law can help you take care the baby when you go to school? maybe that is the way out. (lots of my coworkers are in nursing field with the similar problem as yours. so they can help their own child, and help other patients too. ) Take care.
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